E E Ecstasy!!!

Hey buds, sorry I’ve been a bit quiet on here – I literally had the worst flu bug along with the IVF meds and couldn’t lift my head never mind stare at a laptop 😦  That’s me back to normal now thank god!  I missed AA for nearly 2 weeks as well but had no urges to drink so all was good.  I think with the IVF it keeps the thoughts of alcohol mostly at bay so that’s a big bonus too.  I really missed getting to AA though and missed my fab AA friends and family – shout out to the East End!! Mwah!!!

So I started the injections, which in all fairness were really easy – 300 of Gonal F Stims once a day for 2 weeks.  Some women have other meds and have to mix the liquid and use a syringe but mine was an epi pen ready to use with a small needle.  The hubby did most of the injections – which actually were a bit more uncomfy than when I did it – but I wanted him to be part of it.  About 3 days in, the dreaded IVF headaches started and then the following day sore throat, aches and pains and sickness – I felt awful!  Anyhoo, I managed to grow 8 follicles and they got 6 eggs at collection.  Now, that was an experience!!!  I got rolled into the theatre when 5 people came running around, 1 putting stirrups on my bed, 1 telling me to move my bum down the bed, 1 putting the sedative into the tube in my hand, 1 putting heart monitors on and 1 sneaky nurse I saw come round from my left, down to my feet in the stirrups and ‘POP’ – stuck a pessary up my bum!!!!  I actually had to ask myself if it really happened it was that quick!  Then it was lights out – wham bam thank you mam!!  A bit like when I was drinking lol!!! 😉  But they got 6 little eggs and mixed them up with the hub’s bits and 2 fertilised – both are growing well into cells and hopefully they will be blastocysts tomorrow!  The clinic will ring me and tell me when to come in to transfer them back into me – I can’t wait!!!  I’m hopeful but scared and positive but realistic – even if they make it to go back in they could die in the womb while waiting 2 weeks to test.  Then if I get a positive the risk of miscarriage is quite high up until 12 weeks – it really is a mad rollercoaster!  Wish me luck!!

All these IVF drugs have made me think about the years I spent clubbing and eating disco biscuits.  I did have a ball on E’s I have to say but obviously my drug of choice and the one I got the most from was alcohol.  The bonus about E’s was it kept you awake and sober enough to keep drinking – even though you were highly unattractively chewing the bake of yourself and any make up earlier applied for going out had melted from your face down to your chest – sexy!!  My friends and I loved clubbing in our 20’s and went out every weekend to various clubs all over NI.  This one time on a Friday night we are all sitting having a drink in mine when my boyfriends mates called in and suggested we all go up to Portrush on the Saturday and go to Lush (I can’t remember who was playing but Tall Paul, Judge Jules, Pete Tong etc always made appearances).  We decided to book to stay in the a Hotel called the Eglinton – a renowned party venue, den of iniquity and the only Hotel I’d ever heard of having bouncers in the hallways of the rooms!!  On the Saturday morning we packed the cars up along with our carryouts (I was driving and everyone else was drinking away – road trip!!!  Portrush was 100 miles away from my home town.)  And the fella’s had sorted out the stash of E’s we needed for the evening time – picture the 2000 movie Human Traffic and that was us – a must watch if you haven’t seen it!  So there’s me, my boyfriend P, my pals M and K and another fella Gizzard – northern irish men have the weirdest nicknames!!  In another car was another group of our friends – one with the nickname Goat!  So the madness began and we had our road trip with music pumping, pee stops, munchie stops and singing at the tops of our voices arriving at the hotel and meeting the others in the hotel bar – my time for a pint!  I was definitely less alcho then and more party girl!  The rooms were less than average but clean and the hotel consisted of twisty hall ways and stair cases everywhere – it was like a maze and no level seemed the same.  We drank our fill in the hotel, had the carryouts in the rooms and the boys were running about like balloons.  My friend M was very drunk as were the others from drinking all day (me mega proud of not being the most sloshed for a change!).  We got ready for the night club – all glitter spray, boob tubes and catsuits in the mid 00’s!  So there we were in the hotel bar again, bunged with 20 somethings everywhere drunk, buzzing and hormones galore.  The lads handed the E’s over to me and my friends and we popped them apart from M.  She decided to leave hers until she was going into the club.  Next door to the bar was a stripper doing her thing for a stag do – probably doing more than her thing and every now and then a naked man ran through the bar chased by more naked men.  The Hotel was already living up to expectations!  The drink flowing and everyone more than tipsy and now coming up on E’s it was time to get taxi’s to Lush.  We got there and joined the queue, jaws already grinding and gurning and the excitement building.  The bouncers normally didn’t search the girls but tonight they were doing bags – it was too late before my friend M realised her purse was getting a going over and she had put her E in there.  They took the E and wouldn’t let her in but the rest of us were good to go – dilemma – what to do?  Of course, girl power and sticking together was the done thing but K and I were flying already and could hear the music calling us.  I couldn’t leave my boyfriend and K was just saying nope I’m staying.  So poor M said she would go back to her room and wait on us returning.  As soon as the taxi came K and me were like, okay see ya!!!!!  Running for the club and not even glancing back – such bad friends!  What a night – the DJ was amazing, the E’s were amazing, I was loved up with my boy P and everyone else in the club – new best friends made in toilets and on dance floor – tick!  Come 2am we decided to go back to the hotel and continue the party with M.  When we got back bouncing through the door M was pretending she was asleep but was really huffing (don’t blame her!) – K promptly got another E and tried to shove it in M’s mouth – M spat it out and we were all down on the floor on our hands a knees trying to find the precious E!!  E found and more shared about we had the music full blast and were dancing round the room – the whole hotel was bouncing as everyone partied in their rooms.  We went to my room where we found my boyfriend and Goat had stripped naked and were doing an assault course around the room finishing it off by diving into a full bath tub??!!  In another room K got pulled by Gizzard so that door was locked.  M and I decided to walk the halls and see what was going on in the other rooms.  We found a party on another floor in the maze of halls and went in to chat with another 20 odd girls and guys, next thing I knew the bouncers were at the door, RIGHT, who belongs to this room – what numbers are you?, who’s in the bathroom? – Downstairs has been flooded!  Open the bathroom door!  I began to notice that M wasn’t in the same room as me – had she left while I was loved up with my new best friends and went back to our rooms??  Finally, after the bouncers forcing the door from their end, the bathroom opened and we all looked through – M was standing fully clothed but soaked from head to toe like she’d been in the shower, the floor was flooded and a guy sat in the bath naked with a little water in the bottom of it – even the ceiling was soaked!!!!  The bouncer said to me and M – what number are you??  We replied and got told to shift it back to our room.  We ran to our room meaning to go back out once the bouncers were on another floor sorting the other lunatics out but every time we took a sneak peek the bouncers were staring at our door wagging their fingers!  The party continued in our room with my boyfriend and M ended up going with Goat so when morning came and I insisted then on drinking more since the drugs were worn off everyone else went to sleep.  I got dressed and went down to the bar where I sat and drank with complete strangers and by the time everyone else came down I talked them into drinking too.  I never wanted the party to end – it had to go on and on and on!  M and K came down and said to me sure your driving – luckily M hadn’t drank from early the night before so she offered to drive my car.  I didn’t care then – I always knew something would work out – as selfish as I was!  There were many nights like that where I ended up in parties with people I didn’t know, in areas that were well dodgy and where I refused to end the party and always looked for another one when those party friends drifted off so I moved onto the next batch of party people.  The signs were all there early on!

I found myself thinking about drink when I was ill last week because I would have drank through any cold or flu as there was no way I was missing my drinks!  Thinking of alcohol just made me feel more ill thank feck!  But I did think about E’s – mmmmh, maybe later down the line I could take E’s again, sure I was never addicted to them, months went by between taking them and what harm would it do???  That is how insidious alcoholism is!  It gets into your head in other ways messing with your mind – no Sibi, taking E’s in the future would not be okay because you would be replacing one obsession with another that’s equally life destroying!  Always having to be self aware – that’s what AA is teaching me 🙂  Oh and I’m 3 months sober on Wednesday, whoa ho!!!!!  I’ve agreed to do my first Chair at AA in a couple of weeks too ahhhhhh!!!!  I can’t wait to do service though and giving back will also help me develop.

Right I’ve yammered on enough – keep safe and don’t do drugs kids!! 🙂

Love,

Sibi xxx

Sleeping (not so much) Beauty

God I feel like shite!  And there I was feeling all smug and sober with no hangovers, yet the past week with the start of IVF has left me absolutely knackered.  I actually do feel hungover in the morning urgh!!  Though a positive is that I can remember the night before and I’m not in a fearful panic about what antics I’ve been up to or who I may have offended – and no checking my phone to find cringey texts or facebook posts – okay feeling much better about being sober now lol!!  I’m 10 weeks in to my wonderful AF life and I swear I keep wondering why I waited so long to do this – what was I scared of?  This is great!  And, I’m so blessed to be able to go through this IVF journey minus any guilt about drinking or even worse, obsessing about wanting to drink instead of doing the treatment – I am so grateful.

We picked up the injections yesterday and start tomorrow ahhhhh!!  The hubby is going to do the injections for me so he can feel a part of the process.  I don’t mind injections so in a freaky kind of way I’m excited and curious about how they will go (I might not be so chirpy come my next post lol!!).  The tablets seemed to be a breeze and then I hit a wall last weekend and was exhausted beyond belief and definitely had a bad case of PMT – poor hub!!  I found it really hard to get up and go in the mornings over the last number of days so god know’s how I will feel once I’m on the Gonal F for a week.  Here’s hoping they do what they are meant to and I get loads of top quality eggs at the end of it to retrieve 🙂  I’m told that due to the stimulation of my ovaries to grow as many eggs as possible they will swell and get very big – I basically will have two heavy pendulums swinging inside me by the end of the week!  When the nurse said about this I pictured swollen testicles swinging lol!  If I make any sudden movements they can swing so much they will get twisted which is apparently extremely sore and a medical emergency – will not be doing that, nope!  So me and my swinging pendulums will be taking it easy as feck next week no matter how much the hubby gives off to me about being lazy – cheek!!!!

Feeling this tiredness had me thinking about my drinking days again.  I was renowned for falling asleep when drunk and I’m pretty sure if there was a record for it, and the places I woke up in, then I’d be up there with the champions.  Because I guzzeled my drink my brain took a while to realise just how much alcohol was in my system or I got drunk from the feet up and fell everywhere first.  By the time it got to the brain it was lights out and passed out.  When I was going out with my first love we used to go out in his town alot.  The local was this really old pub that had a B&B attached, though it wasn’t run by the same people, and a function room downstairs and we had many many lock ins – my fav cause the party hadn’t ended.  This one night my boyfriend and I along with our group of friends were having a great night singing and dancing and acting the eejits when last orders came.  The owner told us to sit tight and he’d get everyone else out and we could stay on with a load of others.  So there’s about 20 of us locked in and moved downstairs to one of the cellar bars and we are drinking away and having good old singalong, when me, absolutely pie eyed decided I would give a rendition of a song myself.  My best pal C was also worse for wear and advised me on my song choice – of course I had no mission of taking her advice as I knew in my drunken state that the perfect song for that occasion (my audience was a mixed crowd of 20, 30, 40 and 50 year olds so I knew my choice would need to have a broad appeal and something everyone knew!) would be the classic 80’s Bangles song ‘Eternal Flame’, also covered by Atomic Kitten in 00’s, perfect!!  I informed my chum of my plan and she recoiled in horror – but, it’s so high, you can’t do it!  I cleared my throat, took a big breath and began – deep voice…. ‘Close your eye’s, give me your hand, darlin, (my mate C joined me, RAGE ‘NO C, let me do it, it’s my song’….. C put her hand over her eyes – I started again).  ‘Close your eye’s, give me your hand, darlin, can you feel my heart beating – deep voice – do you understand, – high voice – do you feel the same……. – high voice – or am I only dreaming – higher – OR IS THIS BURNING AND ETERNAL FLAMMMMMMMEEEE!!!  I sang the WHOLE song, even stopping to sush people who had started talking, convinced I was owning it!  People would talk about this night – the night they finally heard Sibi sing – and who knew she was hiding such an amazing voice, ERMEHGHERD!!!!!  As I finished with my big finale the group quickly decided that the singalong was finished and we would all just get back to drinking, chatting and listening to music instead.  C later told me that the reason she had started singing with me was so that I wasn’t on my own murdering a perfectly classic song and we were in it together – nope I still insisted on making an arse of myself spectacularly lol!!  After many more shots, pints and god knows what else I went to the loo in the function room.  As with many nights out like that my then boyfriend often ended up at separate parties or went home before me when he had had enough.  C also took the chance of a lift home when she got it and would have thought I’d went home with my boyfriend when she didn’t see me about.  After what I thought was a powernap in the loo, I woke on the floor with my head blocking the door so no-one could get in.  I walked out and all the lights were off but sunlight was coming in the windows.  I couldn’t get upstairs to the main bar and found another door open so followed the light only to realise I was in the B&B.  Still very drunk and bouncing of the walls I tried to find a way out and managed to walk into a kitchen to a very shocked B&B owner Kitty in her pj’s and dressing gown, I scared the life out of her!!  Luckily when I explained where I’d come from and that I’d fallen asleep she saw the funny side and led me out the front door to find my way home to the boyfriends house.  I got a right slagging by all in the bar the next evening I went in, but being young and up for the craic, I just put it down to another drunken escapade.  The singing of the classic bangles tune came back to haunt me often and my friend C still tells anyone that will listen about it – again thank god there were no smart phones then!!!!!

In my late 20’s I went through a solid phase of falling asleep in pubs, clubs, toilets, houses and even outside on the street!  One night out I had to be carried out of a club by a bouncer as I had again fallen asleep in the toilets.  When he set me down outside and my boyfriend and friends came out to join me, I insisted to my friends boyfriend to ‘put the window up, it’s cold’ convinced I was in his mini cooper going home when I was actually sitting on a wall outside the club waiting on a taxi.  Another time I was in a club with all the girls and kept falling asleep but waking up every 10 or 20 minutes and convincing my friends I didn’t need to go home.  As they took turns propping me up (such a classy look in the club urgh!) the bouncers took notice of me and approached my friends saying ‘she has to go’.  At this time there had been alot of documentaries on TV about Narcolepsy…..  yep, one of my friends started to tell the sad tale of my debilitating illness and how they struggled to take me out because of it.  And the thing was, in between  my powernaps I actually would have been very lucid and up dancing and chatting away and then the next thing, out for the count – so I was pretty convincing!!  The bouncer took pity and let me stay for the duration.  Of course, as time went on, friends got fed up with this and the burden I was when going out.  I found out later that they sometimes had nights out without me because of it.  I can’t blame them really – and sure it would be over 10 years before I would find my way to AA.  I can laugh, cringe and smile at these memories and I’m also fearful for that young version of me.  I had been taken advantage of on a few occasions due to being in a state like that, and those are just the ones I remember!

Anyhoo, from I started this post it’s now Saturday night and I did my injection yay!!  Hubby was very gentle and it was absolutely fine 🙂  I went to a countryside AA today and we were meant to have a day with the dogs afterwards but the OH was in really shitty form, said some really awful things to me about AA, lying, being selfish and not doing enough around the house since I’m off work.  I felt really low and anxious from I got home due to his outburst but I know he was tired from a week of earlies and he thinks I go to too many meetings.  I don’t know how to explain to him how important AA is for me and the bigger picture of making family life better.  Don’t get me wrong, I said plenty back and I know it’s a control thing on his part.  He wants to be looked after, cooked for, cleaned for and basically there for him.  We’ve had this battle for 8 years and he used to joke with me that he wanted a mother figure back in the day – I am far from that!  If anything I always strived for equality in the home as coming from a countryside family the men were always waited on hand and foot, even when the women worked full time.  I hated that!  I feel he’s full of resentment, that I’m home when he’s not, that I have a life outside the house and I suppose it’s alot of change for him, but if a baby comes along it’ll be even more change and that wee baby will come first no matter what.  I am working on my defects of character though and I hope he will work on his so we can sustain a loving home environment for a little one in the future.

Okaaaaayyyy!  I didn’t meant to go into that but must have needed to vent lol!!!  Sorry folks – don’t worry, all is good with the hub – he says sorry in his own way and tries to make up for it.  We all have off days… but we all have to be careful in what comes out of our gubs somtimes!  I’ll pick my moment to talk to him about it – I can play the long game lol 😉

Night night out there,

Love, Sibi xxx

Bum Deal ;)

Welcome back to my blog about stopping drinking and starting IVF.  It seems obvious that any woman going on the journey of IVF would stop drinking but for me it was a little bit harder than I had imagined.  I really didn’t see that I was choosing drink over my future and happiness completely and it was taking over every aspect of my life.  I felt it was my god given right to enjoy myself and have a drink when and as I pleased.  I remember thinking if everyone would just leave me alone so I could drink, everything would be okay.  I imagined booking into hotels for a couple of nights just to have alone time with my drink and even looked at properties imagining renting a place of my own to hide away and drink, minus my husband or family.  Isn’t that awful!!!  It was like I was having a sordid affair with alcohol!!!  My mind must have been sick to think that way and alcohol was the instigator though I’m starting to realise it was also a symptom of my not dealing with past trauma’s and emotions.

I started Norethisterone 5mg last Tuesday and finish tomorrow – this is to prepare my uterus to start the Gonal F injections after my Prostap injection the clinic give me next Thursday – if I’ve had a bleed (fingers crossed).  I think the aim is to get the lining as thin as possible to prepare it for the egg implanting.  I’ve not really had any side effects from the Norethisterone tablets apart from tiredness and anxiety I think…. it’s hard to tell as I normally get that anyway lol!!  Long may this last 🙂  I’ve been reading loads of other blogs about IVF and it really is anyone’s game how it goes.  With chances of pregnancy can be between 25% and 35% and there are many going through this treatment time and time again still not being successful and my heart aches for them.  The way my mind works I would near rather they were successful rather than me as I feel they would be more deserving – there goes my low self esteem again!  But I also know that’s part of my illness – people pleasing – even to my own detriment.  I’m a huge empath and always just thought I cared about people because of that – I didn’t realise it was also due to not caring about myself.  I’ve alot to learn about self care!  If I end up getting our wee miracle out of this I will work so hard to make sure I am well so I can teach a son or daughter how to truly be themselves and own their emotions.

I have been to AA meetings every night this week and I just love the people I’m meeting.  I had isolated myself for so long that I forgot what it was like to have true, caring friends that are honest and supportive.  I have had some amazing open conversations that are truly cathartic and as we say in AA – we just wish there was something similar for those outside struggling with other emotional difficulties because we all wear masks even with our nearest and dearest when all we need to do is talk openly with those we trust or in some cases, strangers!  When I see the old timers in AA and they talk about what their lives are like now, full of contentment and serenity, as promised by AA if you work it, then I say, I want that!!  I found myself thinking last night that I wished I had of found it earlier so I hadn’t wasted so many years with drinking.  But they say your time comes when it’s time and no sooner.  And some go in and out of AA until they get it so everyone’s journey is different.  I want this so bad and I’m willing to work for it and do whatever is required because I’m not going back and this is a new chapter – one I’ve been desperate but scared of for so long now.  And I know I definitely wouldn’t have been ready in my 20’s as I loved the party lifestyle, and even making the stupid choices I made, as I had to learn.  And I had some amazing adventures!

One of my big party friends in my 20’s was Cath, I had met her through my boyfriend at the time and we hit it off instantly.  We used to do pre drinks in her house before we headed out in the town or headed to Belfast and we almost always ended up blocked, at a party, rolling about screaming and singing and putting everyone’s heads away.  We always ended up in precarious situations when we got together and we loved it!  From going to London and deciding to stay an extra night cause we weren’t ready to leave yet and our sensible friends headed onto the airport shaking their heads.  We hadn’t even booked off work the next day but sure – live for the moment we thought!  Obviously the decision was made when we were already drunk after a day shopping/drinking and the hotel and flights were put on my credit card!  We decided to wear our new outfits out that night and went to a local bar in Piccadilly out of our faces.  I remember standing at the bar talking to folks we’d met and hearing Cath cackle then people gasping as she fell straight back onto the bar floor.  When I looked around Cath had landed flat out without bending with her drink held high and not a drop spilt – that was normally my trick so I had taught her well!  Cath was very stubborn so when guys tried to lift her she insisted she meant to do it and would be staying there.  And that’s where she stayed.  Until I kept dropping my drink on the floor to just be handed another one and doing the same thing again – that was throwing out time.  You can imagine the state of us checking out the next morning and the dreaded trip home with a very unhappy boyfriend picking us up at the airport – shit ooops!!  Then we went to Dublin for the weekend – yep we decided to stay another night – the party never ended with us.  And it was my turn to do the falling with the glass still up in the air trick – we just thought we were so funny and loved nothing more than regaling our antics to other friends after our escapades.  One night we walked home from a party when the sun was up and seen a big field of barley on a hill ‘lets rolley polley down the hill’!!  A man who had been at the party had walked part of the way with us and was standing watching so we gave him our camera and asked him to take pics.  Up the hill we ran, lay on our bellys, stretched out our arms and held hands and then we rolled down the hill.  The man, who hadn’t been that interested in taking pics to start with, had started clicking away as we were half way down the hill, running beside us, like he was a photographer for cosmo!!  Up and down the hill we went until we could laugh no more and decided to call it a day.  We said cheerio to the man and I mentioned to Cath about his eagerness at taking the pics half way through.  She shrugged and I forgot about it.  Now, in those days we had to develop the film from our camera’s and wait for a week or so on the pics coming back (oh, I loved that soooo much!)  Cath called me in stitches, hardly able to breath or talk and I was like ‘what’s going on’, ‘what are you laughing at’ – all I heard was I got the photo’s back, come and see them.  I flew round thinking there must be some horrendous shots of my double chin from the party or me falling asleep – the usual!  Or worse – I probably flashed the diddys!!! (Thank god there was no social media back then!)  Cath, greeted me with, remember the barley field – yes – what were you wearing?  Oh my figure hugging beige trousers and a wee vest top – why?  She said – remember the man?  Then she showed me the pics – well…….. there were lovely shots of us going up to the top of the field and starting to roll and then, mid way down, I started to notice…. my trousers were going darker – oh yes, the morning dew on the barley mmmmh???  The photo’s got closer and closer to us rolling over and then there it was – my big arse through my now see through trousers!!!!!  No wonder the man stuck around pretending he was a pro!  This was the days of thongs but with skin tight trousers I had decided to go commando so nothing was left to the imagination as he got his close ups!!!!  Scundered!  And what I failed to mention was he was Cath’s best mates uncle.

As if London and Dublin wasn’t enough we then decided to go to Lloret de Mar together – what a fecking nightmare!  There were two hospital runs, one overnight stay, a sling on the arm and a drip as well as an internal examination of the back end and that was just with me!!  The arm incident had been from a day of drinking and thinking we hadn’t had enough went out that night again – I was absolutely blocked and like bambi trying to get around.  In a nightclub, we had got seats at one end of the dance floor.  I noticed the loos were at the other end and started to plan how I would get to the loos in my current state.  the room was circular so I thought I’ll walk around the walls and use the wall as my guide – yes, perfect!  I said I was going to the loo and hugged the wall beside me, gracefully guiding my way to the loo – ah ha!!  I’ve got this, I thought smuggly while trying to remember how to put one foot in front of the other and cocked one eye open to stop the double vision.  So there my glam self was sauntering around the outskirts of the room using the wall as a guide with one hand and leaning it (obviously covering up the fact that I was blind drunk).  Now, the walls had been painted in all this crazy artwork and I didn’t notice that the fire exits were also covered by the art and just looked like the walls….. as I pushed myself off the walls and forward my hand went back to the wall with my full weight behind it and the next thing the wall was moving, it was opening and due to me pushing the wall I had gathered momentum.  Out of my blurry eye’s I was in the bright light again and there were 8 or so concrete steps down out a fire exit.  With nothing to grab onto I side ran down the the stairs finally reaching out like superman and landing at the bottom of the steps in a very unlady like pose!  Due to the fire exits being alarmed the whole club rang out and bouncers, clubbers and Cath & co came running to the top of the stairs to see me lying on my belly at the bottom with my skirt up over my head and my thong and arse in full view!!!!  Yep, thrown out again and a fractured arm into the bargain 😦  Cath said she was never going on holidays with me ever again…. and she hasn’t lol!!  But we are still firm friends 🙂

If I have a child I will have to delete this blog lol!!!  I leave you guessing about the rectal examination and how my 30’s went 😉

Cherry bye,

Sibi xx

The Bowling Bag

55 Days Sober and I’m remembering so many of the lies I told myself about my actions, health, work and the list goes on.  Here’s a little light entertainment – don’t judge me!

My hubby goes to bowls on a Monday night.  Now you would think that I have myself a sugar daddy who enjoys this OAP activity but in fact I have myself a toyboy – yep a 6 foot 5 inch young 36 year old who’s dark and handsome 🙂  As with my previous love interests the massive difference with this one was, he had no interest in laddish nights (or weekends) out, didn’t drink too much and was relatively drama free – who would of thought it?!  Now that may seem perfect, but as we all know, there is no such thing and I am far from that myself of course.  But he’s a keeper, for my sins lol!  Anyhoo, nights like these meant I got a whole 3 hours or so in the house to myself and of course I was going to take advantage of that!  So while I was waving my hubby off with one hand I was grabbing my coat with the other to make a dash to the off licence figuring out how much I could drink while he was away, where I would hide the bottles and how I could get to bed and cover up the smell before he got home – imagine if I put these efforts into my own exercise or career!!  I’d be skinny with abs and be running a company by now ffs!!  But no, I put my all into getting drunk, fat and anxious instead 😦

I had been diagnosed with IBS in my early 20’s after going through numerous visits to hospital to be injected in the ass with anti spasm medication.  Those cramps were the worse I have ever experienced in my life.  Days would go by writhing, unable to get out of the fetal position and begging for help before Doctors would give in to the injections – nothing else worked.  Of course, I never put them down to the drink as then I only drank on weekends (binge-ing) and not every weekend at that, but my body was obviously trying to tell me something even back then.  I always said I had very little will power but with drinking, I persevered with a vengence, I would not be missing out on a social life at 21!!!  My IBS got particularly worse when my mum and dad split when I was 24 and panic attacks and anxiety joined the party for the fun.  I remember so desparately wanting to go out with friends but would get a mile or two outside my hometown and the attacks would start so we had to turn and come back.  I also had an obsession with finding toilets if I managed to get out.  I knew where public toilets were everywhere and the pubs I could nip into that were a safe distance.  That helped me manage the stress and anxiety of the just incase moments.  I remember my boyfriend of 7 years not being so supportive on nights out.  I had hoped on the occasions that I had to go home due to the panic or cramps that he would come with me and we could cozy up to a movie while he rubbed my poor tummy – er nope!  If I was a party animal then I had learnt it from the best, and there was no way he’d give up a night (or weekend) of partying.  I was often put in taxis or my mum was called to come and get me and he would wave me off and continue to the pub, club or event we were at.  This also took a toll on my anxiety and panic and made me feel worse by worrying what he was getting up to – another story for another time.  But what an absolute selfish bastard!!!!  Lucky I’m the forgiving sort and we are still friends lol 😉

The IBS seemed to get under control and when that relationship came to an end instead of calming down I ended up partying harder.  Of course, it was the usual newly single going to mingle as I had been in a relationship from I was 17 and hadn’t really done the whole going out without a bo in tow.  It seemed like I had drank my way through the IBS and it wasn’t going to change my life – no way!  And it worked, I only got the odd bought now and again.  By the time I had met the hubby in my early 30’s I was onto my 12 beer a session in the house with pals and the IBS only raised it’s head the morning after for a dash to the loo and that was it – no cramps really, and I could live with that compared to the horrendous 3 day spasms of my 20’s.  I had convinced myself that it wasn’t the drink at all and it was only stress that was affecting my bowels.  I actually thought it helped to keep me regular – which was a bonus eh?  As I progressed onto the red wine I was really regular and for some reason walking seemed to really bring on my urgency for the loo the next day.  The downside was, it appeared at any given moment without notice and I couldn’t control it.  Now, I had been really proud of myself that in my 20’s I had never had any accidents like I was told could happen with this sudden, no going, back urge.  I had worked around the problem with always parking right beside work or near places I knew had toilets, I wouldn’t go far afield for shopping or walking the dogs – I had many a high speed sprint back to the house when taking the dogs out just hoping I would make it in time.  It was horrible!  When we went out I made excuses why I didn’t want to go to some park that didn’t have toilets or an event that would mean walking about too much.  I was really living!  And I blamed the IBS for it all.  My husband was very understanding of it as he had seen me on the odd occasion I had been doubled over in two crying in pain.

So, managing to drink my wine and get to bed covering up the smell before the hub came home I got up for work the next morning and headed in feeling not so great between the wine and another sleepless night of anxiety and worry.  To my horror my car park was closed and I had to find parking elsewhere!  I found a space a couple of hundred metres away and thought – I’m grand, I’ll be okay.  With immense pride I walked into work without a cramp or spasm and no urge for the loo – ah ha, see it wasn’t the drink – noooooooo, proved it!  I got my day in and happy as larry I made my way to the car.  It was a bright sunny day and I watched all the other people coming and going.  I even felt that good that I went into the shop and took my time buying bits and bobs – IBS free me 🙂  As I walked out of the shop with a grin on my face, smiling at people going by, I felt a familiar sudden drop of my innards!!!!!  Oh my god!  A quick assessment told me that work was locked, there were no toilets in sight or bars I could nip into – oh jesus, do not let me shit myself in the middle of the busy commute!!  And worst of all, I have bloody leggings on – they won’t catch anything – it’ll just come through the material!  Panic, Panic, Panic – the only things I could do was, squeeze my butt cheeks together and mince very fast to my car…….. hold it, hold it and mince!  I swear, it gave another meaning to squeaky bum time.  My insides were cruel too – at one point they eased up and I thought, yay! a false alarm! to suddenly feeling the drop inside again – oh no.  I’m nearly at the car, I can make it – I can, I can and in I got to the drivers seat but did not dare to relax those cheeks as that would have been fatal.  Right, calculate, how long to get home – nope not going to make it, where’s the nearest loo, nope, if I stand up it could cause a sudden evacuation, ok lets look about.  I was in a residential street that was pretty quiet and only the odd person was passing.  I could subtly lift myself and go in a plastic bag and there’s napkins in the glove compartment – right plastic bag – fuck!  No plastic bags – I could cry only it would take too much effort and I needed all my effort in my butt cheeks.  Then I spotted it – the hubbys bowling bag in the back seat……….  yep, I did it and what a relief – at that point I didn’t even care if someone saw me.  I am not proud of myself and thank god I’ve stayed anonymous on this (apart from the odd friend whom I trust – hiya!) but there was no way I was going to make it.  Luckily for me there was a skip nearby, so after zipping up the bag, it was thrown out the window on my way past into the skip.  I really hope no-one came across it and thought they were going to get themselves a freebie – they would have got more than they bargained for!  Oh, and the bowling balls were left to roam free in the boot after and thank god my hubby is so forgetful that he never asked about his bag and I never brought it up!

Thank god that has been my only incident and it wasn’t because of IBS – it was because I was drinking poison and I was filling my body full of it until it could take no more.  I really can’t believe what I put my body through for well over 20 years but I’m sure going to make it up to it because it’s been good to me.  Since I’ve stopped drinking I’ve had no IBS episodes and I’m also working on my diet as I know I need to do that too – one step at a time though.

I hope I gave someone a laugh – if we didn’t laugh at these experiences then it would make them all the sadder.

Night, night,

Sibi xx

This Woman’s Work

Love that song!!  Did anyone see X Factor where Simon got a young Irish lad to change his song to this?  He was great!  Simon certainly know’s how to do his job well eh?  I love my job, or at least, I did until I had a melt down.  For me, this melt down finally brought my drinking to my attention, well and truly.  I had been hiding behind the party figure, the stressed high functioning job (my job is in the top 5 most stressful apparently – I agree!) and all the other excuses under the sun.  But none, I realise, were actually true now I properly look at my drinking.  I just used them all as excuses because I couldn’t imagine my life without drink in it – what else would I do?  It was so confusing!  It was my reward system and like a child motivated by sweets after dinner or getting a toy bought on a promise of good behaviour I worked it greedily – I had to have it!

My partying had well and truly fell by the wayside as I chose to do my drinking indoors while binge watching Game of Thrones, Orange is the new black, Versailles, The Crown, Breaking Bad, Vikings, Stranger Things, Narcos, 13 reasons why and the list goes on – yep I have a Netflix and Prime subscription 😉  Now, how many episodes of each series I watched I can actually remember?  Your guess is as good as mine!  But I got the jist before I passed out on an evening.  Why go out, queue at bars, shout over crowds, have sore feet when you can get in your pj’s, turn on an absorbing show and drink at your own pace?  And sure why even have company?  You can’t watch the show if you are getting interrupted with chat!  So just me, 12 beers and some handsome vikings ahhhhh – loved it 🙂  Or did I?  I got so used to this being my life that I stopped trying anything else – anything else just interrupted my drinking.  So my weekends consisted of this – Friday, finish work, go to the shops and get a tasty dinner to cook for hubby along with my 12 beers and 4 or 6 cider or craft beer for the other half (bonus if he didn’t drink it for me!), enough sweets and cake to keep him from focusing on my beer (talking of addictions, he is massively addicted to sweet things!) and home to get the dinner on.  Chill beer, cook dinner that will satisfy hubby, lay out cake and sweeties, walk the dogs and get back in time to get my dinner down me and over with so I could start drinking at an acceptable hour – all I had been thinking about all day was doing this – actually all week!  Even when drinking I was thinking about drinking in the future!  Saturday would be up and out for a big hike with the dogs (trying to hide my fuzziness and dodgy tum – DO NOT SHOW WEAKNESS TO DRINK – or hubby will announce ‘oh, hangover?  You should give it a miss tonight’ – no chance!  I smiled and joked and hiked with a bounce in my step – urgh, dying.  Get lunch sorted, get the housework done so everything was sparkling, do the errands, sort unexpected family shenanigans, go to the shops and repeat Friday’s shopping list and do a slap up meal with all the trimmings – to keep hubby happy so he didn’t yap at me about drinking.  This is even tiring typing feck sake!!!!  Sunday repeat day before but key to today is buy a bottle of wine, hide in handbag and save for later when hubby goes to bed.  And…. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday the wine in handbag.  I worked really hard and I deserved the wine during the week and I worked really hard at home and I deserved the beer at the weekend.

But also what I was doing at least once a month near the end was taking a day off work that my husband didn’t know about and going to the off licence that opened the earliest and getting my 12 beer – going home, watching TV and passing out.  Only to wake, possibly get more drink and pretend I had only started when he came home or feign being ill and retire to bed for the evening.  Mostly I pulled it off as I had had a sleep in the afternoon but it was getting harder and harder to do and the hangover was a massive killer in work the next day.

My work had underwent changes over a year ago and although it was sad that good people had left we were all keen to get into a new way of working.  The new changes that came in were great to begin with and I excelled at my work – I even got a promotion.  But with a promotion came more responsibility and time in work.  I threw myself into it!  I literally got up went to work, came home late, did dinner and went to bed and repeat the above wine and weekend palava over and over.  I nearly put my head away from Christmas to early spring busting myself to hit targets and pull off a massive event on my own as my staff had been cut.  I broke down and cried after it, pulled myself together and got my 12 beer – I was obsessed with beer!!!  Work started to fall apart a bit when people got moved around and very different personalities were put together which caused a fractured toxic environment.  I’m a solution focused person and I create a positive way of working wherever I go but my newer colleagues were ambitious, cold and looking for blame – nothing was good enough and that mantra was being more and more backed up by the senior management.  It was nearly like everyone was pointing the finger somewhere so the focus would be taken off them.  We had a very unhappy workplace that was already fast paced and highly stressful.  But I kept up my facade and put my happy mask in place fighting a loosing battle for the sake of the other workers affected.  Initially my work wasn’t targeted but I had started to feel like an imposter in my own job.  Like I couldn’t do it and I didn’t deserve the promotion.  I became paranoid thinking my peers were talking about me and my anxiety went through the roof.  I was depressed and the drink wasn’t working – in fact it was making it worse.  My every thought, worry, being was about work and I was drowning.  It was horrendous!  My thoughts turned to, if drink couldn’t help and I can’t get this feeling out of chest and head then I can’t go on.  I didn’t think I was worthy of the job I loved.  I wasn’t worthy of family and friends and I definitely wasn’t worthy to be trusted with a child of my own!  And it was all my fault!  I was the imposter and I couldn’t cope anymore.  Lucky for me, I went and spoke to HR and they were really understanding.  They knew my mental health was affected and they advised me to get to the doctors.  I was signed off work and put on anti depressants, told they wouldn’t work for a while and to take the counselling work had offered.

2 and a half months on and I’m still signed off and will be for a while as I’ve so much to work through.  The act of kindness that got me through AA doors has been my life saver.  The Doctor that listened to me and supported me was my life saver and my friends and family too.  Work can wait as this is just too important and I can’t give them the best of me if I’m not well.  I just hope they understand and support me too.  I still can’t get work out of my head but it’s got better and I know with support from AA and others that I will get back and get through it.  I wasn’t an imposter – I was bloody good at my job and I will be again – no, I’ll be excellent!  Trying to be positive again 🙂  But I’m shit scared to be honest.  I’m worried about getting fired, how will I pay the bills, what will people think of me, what will my co workers say when I go back….??  Right I will have to stop thinking that as I feel a panic attack coming on!  I know there’s a lot of work still to be done with me but I’m willing and I’m going to do all that is asked of me.

So I’ll sign off with the AA prayer (I love it!  It always makes me feel calmer after I say it.)

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.

Cherry bye,

Sibi xx

We are FAMILY!

48 days sober – go me!!  I can honestly say that this is the longest period I’ve went without an alcoholic drink in 20 years plus – isn’t that crazy?!  And I don’t have any urge to go back to it.  Yes, I get the odd craving and sometimes have a non alcoholic beer just to feel like I’m not missing out but it’s literally 2 or 3 as I get bored.  Imagine, me, getting bored of beer!  Previously I guzzled beer after beer while thinking when’s the next one, do I have enough in the fridge, should I get some more just incase….  the numerous times I can count running out and then doing a manic dash to the shops before they closed half cut and talking shite to the poor shop staff that just wanted to close.  Once my bag was full again the panic subsided and I drank until I fell asleep.  Oh sleep, that drift into oblivion that I welcomed and rarely got apart from with the drink.  I hated going to sleep without drink.  I would hear every noise, take at least 2 hours to nod over and then have the lightest sleep without it.  Of course I knew that a boozy sleep wasn’t a real sleep either but I had this fear in me about going to sleep – not that I wouldn’t wake up, but that the day had went too fast as it was and I didn’t want it to end.  Time was just going too fast.  One minute I was just turning 30 then bam I’m turning 40 – and I still felt like I wasn’t adulting, I was an imposter at this adult stuff.  I really have no clue why but I’m sure it’s some deep down fear of death which has always haunted me from I realised what it meant as a child.  But now, I’m sleeping like a baby!  I fall asleep shortly after my head hits the pillow and I sleep right through with the odd toilet visit or silly dream (usually to do with work, drinking or other worries).  I don’t want to go back to the fitful nights and exhausting days.

I’m in my 7th week of AA and it has been an absolute life saver – I am so thankful to those rooms.  Listening to other peoples stories and daily lives and sharing my own thoughts has helped dull the constant buzzing in my head and made me face up to my emotions.  I had been drowning the noise and feelings out for years and now I can learn how to deal with them.  I have got myself a lovely sponsor, James, who has been sober for 32 years and is an inspiration.  He has taken me under his wing and is going to guide me through the 12 steps and I’m very excited to be starting them – I am ready for this recover!  One thing said by many of the old timers in AA is that Alcohol is just a symptom of the problem – which I truly believe is the case for me.  They say, the easy part is putting down the drink when you come into the rooms, the hard part is working out what made you pick it up and dealing with the defect of character that we all have.  Not everyone may agree with that if their desire to drink is still so obsessive and I can understand that having obsessed and wanted to drink constantly before I reached my rock bottom.  My dad is one of those – he does not want to stop drinking and he said to me yesterday – that is the difference between you and I – you want to stop.

With all this talking within AA, my counsellor and my friends and family it’s like I’m on a roll and ready to explain myself.  I feel I need to explain to my brother, mum and dad how I really was with my drinking before my melt down as I had hid it, to a certain extent, very well.  Us alcoholic’s are very clever you see – as one guy says in AA – I haven’t met a stupid alcoholic yet.  Well, we are clever maybe when we are not drinking so we can cover our tracks but that’s about it sometimes.  I was clever in the sense that I kept different circles of friends that only experienced my alcoholic drinking on the odd occasion but put them all together and it was obviously not normal or moderate or even binge drinking.  The same went for my family as my mum and dad are divorced and my brother only seen my drinking if he visited mum and her and I were having a girly night.  But they weren’t stupid either, they knew my love of beer and they knew I was a heavy partier in my day but now I a heavy drinker they would say but I don’t think they would have called me an alchy.  It was time to fess up!

When I told my mum I was in AA she went quiet and said whatever makes you happy and she supported my decision.  I asked her not to share it with the family yet as I wanted to see what it was all about and if it helped me.  So there my hubby and I were sitting at my mums the other week to tell her about our IVF information and we started talking about AA.  I know mum was worried about my recovery if I took something on as emotional as IVF but I had spoken to the professionals about this and they said I was actually in a better place to do it now than I would have been last year.  Last year I was drinking flat out, not dealing with my problems, not talking and isolating myself.  Now I have professional support, AA, friends and family back in my life properly and I’m off work so no stress there (will tell you about the work madness again).  I have a safety net and I’m in no way going to jeopardise my sobriety for my mad head.  I’m under no illusions that IVF may not work and I’m really positive about the hormones as everything has been explained to me and there’s help all the way – I had heard that women found the hormone explosion a torture but I’ve been reassured that my course of hormones are in short succession so I shouldn’t feel much different that I do before my period – happy days!  So mum was content and very happy for us.  I just got a thought about telling others in the family when I said to mum ‘you didn’t tell anyone else I was in AA, did you?’ to which she replied ‘yes, some’ – me ‘who did you tell?’ – mum ‘just the family’ – ‘as in who?’  Mum told, my aunties, my uncles, my brother, her best friend, my cousin (who will tell other cousins) and maybe the girl in work she’s friendly with who comes from my home town and know’s loads of people I know – but apparently she won’t say anything!!!!!  Feck sake mum!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Firstly the work friend is not going to pass on telling this juicy bit of gossip and, as with all small towns, it will be round the houses in no time arghhhhhh!  I was annoyed with my mum but I love her to bits and she’s been an absolute rock to me all my life.  I’m under no illusion that after all her suffering with my dads alcoholism I have probably put her through a good bit too.  She did not deserve that at all and I have amends to make there.  She would say I don’t and I didn’t put her through anything but the worry I caused her and the guilt she carried about my drinking is there and I’m gutted about that.  My eyes are opening.  So I swallow my resentment and forgive and move on – who cares what anyone else thinks apart from those that love you and see your fight.  As many friends have pointed out, she was probably proud of my actions and wanted to share them.  I’ll go with that lol!!

I had wanted to talk to my brother myself about AA and the IVF so I text him to say about calling over for a chat.  I called last Friday and we talked for over 2 hours and it was so cathartic for us both I believe.  I explained how my drinking had spiralled and how I was debilitated with anxiety and couldn’t function anymore.  Where drink had helped that before it was now making it worse but I couldn’t stop and I went head first into a breakdown.  I explained that my husband had probably saved me by seeing the behaviour and highlighting it – constantly to my annoyance!  I told him how I blamed myself for the infertility and couldn’t get it out of my head.  I was on self destruct and it was only a matter of time.  My brother started to talk about our childhood and how we were probably more affected by my dads drinking than we realised.  It was so good to talk about it all with someone who obviously got it and was there.  When I was leaving my brother hugged me tight, told me he loved me and how proud he was of me – that meant the world to me!!

So now, I am no longer isolated.  I am with my family, my trusted friends and my AA family.  They are key to this recovery – I know it and I’m not letting go EVER!

Big hugs,

Sibi xx

 

Child’s Play

Good evening bloggersphere!  Soooooo, I didn’t get to AA tonight (did I mention I made it to AA – thank god?!) because the day just ran away from me.  I’ve had alot on my mind this week as we went to see about IVF on Monday ahhhhhh!!!  I had mentioned babies remember?  So what’s the story?  Well, back in my party girl late teens and twenties my worse nightmare was even imagining I could possibly get pregnant – nah ah!!!  Not for me, I wasn’t the maternal type, worse nightmare to have a kid interrupt the partying that had to be done – plus, I was young and there was loads, LOADS, of time!  Yep, I said that – those aunties and old people that were always saying ‘Oh I remember when I was young and care free’ or ‘I remember thinking I was going to be young forever…. and now I’m 30’!!!!  Jesus!!!  Who thinks 30 (or 40… or 50 for that matter) is old?  But I get that they were saying, in no time it would be years down the line and you would wonder how you got there – they were right!

I had started to think in my mid 20’s that it was weird that I hadn’t had any pregnancy scares – apart from those I just took the morning after pill for just incase.  I was in steady relationships and obviously was often pissed and forgot my pill or ended up throwing up for hours on end so it couldn’t possibly have worked.  But yet, no scares??  Then I got into my single late 20’s and hit the 3 0 and thought – the next guy I settle down with I should really look into that.  I married at 35, nearly 36 and I decided to make excuses (because really I wanted to keep on drinking for just a little longer – and I did think it should happen on it’s own accord).  When we bought our house we moved to a new Doctors and he was on the ball and bluntly told me I wasn’t getting any younger and with my history it would be best to start looking into fertility – at least if I was on the (huge) waiting list with the NHS then rather than trying for a couple of years and nothing happening and then going onto the list.  Good choice as it happens because from start to finish finding out we needed help took nearly 3 years and by the time we found out my tubes were damaged I was too fricking old to be put on the next list to await IVF grrrrrrr!!!  Seriously though, we were gutted – just to not even have the chance of the free go given here on the NHS.

That’s when my drinking started to really ramp up.  I had found a way to secretly drink red wine (slimming world talking about not drinking red wine (high in syns) so much gave me the light bulb moment) without the hubby getting any idea’s as it didn’t make as much noise as opening beer, I didn’t run to the toilet on it like I did on beer keeping him awake and only one empty – not twelve!!!  But deep, deep down I was blaming myself for my fertility issue and my husband could easily have lots of babies with another woman and his healthy swimmers.  It was my aul scarred, snarly tubes that wouldn’t allow his little fellows get to my eggs and fertilise them and something in my past was to blame 😦  So for the last year, blaming myself and feeling like IVF wouldn’t work anyway nevermind the cost involved etc. I put it off – put it in that little box in my head where all the bad emotions, problems, issues were put and locked away until that little box was absolutely bursting and about to explode!!  We had also missed out on the one free go of IVF on the NHS due to the waiting lists being so long and I was six months away from turning 40.  That was a right kick in the guts for sure and another sign for me that it just wasn’t meant to be – mother earth was saying what I had been saying for years – YOUR’E NOT MATERNAL – NOT FOR YOU!

So my break down I was going to have brewed for a year until one day in work I couldn’t take it anymore.  I was drinking myself into oblivion, my husband and I were at breaking point, memories of the past were creeping in that I didn’t want to think about and the overwhelming anxiety and panic attacks were all consuming.  My head was like cotton wool and I could hardly even get words out in meetings I was trying to lead.  I literally thought I was going to die and worst of all – the wine at night I had so cleverly hid from my husband was no longer working – it was making my head worse.  I thought I was going mad!  Just before this fateful day I had managed a two week holiday travelling around the south of Ireland without drinking.  It was a deal I’d made with the hubby and I really wanted to see if I could do it.  What I hadn’t heard about was being a ‘dry drunk’ – AA explains some of us go periods of time sober but the whole time we are really just white knuckling that time until we get to drinking again.  And right enough, I was literally white knuckling my way around Ireland counting the days down when I would be back home and buying the red wine again.  Sure enough I got home from holidays, got all the bags in and sorted and made my excuse to head off to the shop to get something for the tea (with the secret addition of that wee bottle in my handbag!).  And that was me every night until I started back to work and every night before I broke down.

I couldn’t breath, was crying constantly, couldn’t sleep (hadn’t for years!) my head was fuzz but also spinning with thoughts, I couldn’t speak to my husband or family and I was obsessing about work and alcohol – help, help help – I’m going mad, I thought!  I arrived at the Dr’s crying, shaking and trying to explain my symptoms and why I felt like that.  Of course, I didn’t mention the alcohol – why would I?  I wasn’t going to risk being told to stop!!!!  And when the lovely Dr (she really was, I recently said to a friend I wanted her to be my big sister lol!) said she would start me on anti depressants I didn’t even dare ask about drinking on them!  I realised it was quite a high dosage but was willing to try anything to get that feeling out of my chest – absolute impending doom and constantly frightened witless – and she advised that it would take a while for it to kick in.  Damn!  I needed instant!  Light bulb!!!! – the hubby was on a late and this was early morning…. I had a good 8 hours to drink and that would calm me – brilliant!  I could sleep it off and be up, showered, tea on and he wouldn’t know a thing – yay!!!  I feel extremely guilty now that I’m sober and reflecting on my behaviour on how I was so sleeked with my husband.  But I really could only see that he was stopping me from doing what I wanted to do.  I felt he was being controlling as I really didn’t see a problem with my drinking.  It was him that made me hide it!!!  If he wasn’t such a yap I wouldn’t have to!!  Yeah, I know, I know – classic alchy excuses eh?  I really couldn’t see that then at all.

I didn’t manage to sober up…. and kept on drinking.  I knew I needed help as the anxiety, feelings, emotions all got worse and worse.  I had been reading books related to alcohol on holidays – the joy of being sober was my favourite and I felt so akin to Catherine Gray the author (she’s also from NI! – Yes living up to that age old Irish rep lol!)  She had mentioned about AA but didn’t elaborate on it as she didn’t want to sway opinion.  I really had thought AA would be all tambourines, bible bashing holy joes and that was not for me!  Although I had been brought up Christian and spent my youth in sunday school, church, mission halls and GB etc I left it all for the party scene and didn’t look back.  Until I met my husband and his family were very involved in their church but he was all into the partying at the start as well so it didn’t bother me the odd trip on a sunday to keep the parentals happy – so I thought!!  Oh if you could see me now!  I often think this when I remember my clubbing and e days – experimental of course!!  I’ll give you a laugh about all that laters 🙂

Yes, so I was digesting self help book and trying to identify with others as well as find out if there is life after alcohol!  I realised I had probably been drinking for about 27 years all in all – how could I not have done damage to myself?  Especially in the later years!  I had so many questions and the obsession to drink was still there – how do I get this out of my head??  I had named the voice in my head Joffrey after that nasty, evil, twerp in GOT and had started to tell him off and belittle him when he tried to talk me into drinking – as advised by Catherine and another blogger Belle who calls her voice Wolfie.  It does help I have to say!  But I had loads more bottled up and I couldn’t express myself – it was excruciatingly painful.  My husband had taken me away for the weekend to try and take my mind off drinking and it was working a bit but I knew I needed to do something else.  I went to bed the Friday night praying for an answer.  Beep Beep – A simple act of kindness came through on my phone first thing on the Saturday Morning from a friend – there’s an open evening at AA tomorrow night, would you like to come and support me?  And I did, for her and for me.

I’ll sign off for now as this has taken me nearly 3 days to write – I was nervous sharing about the IVF.  But you know what, I’m proud I’m doing it and I’m excited 🙂  My higher power is guiding me so I know this is my path.

Cherry bye,

Sibi xx