Triangles

I can’t believe it’s been so long from I posted here. Life just runs away sometimes! Well I’ll be 1 year sober next Thursday 25/7 – un-fuckin-believable!!! So what have I learnt? Well, life carries on with all its trials and tribulations whether your sober or not. Being sober means it’s less painful for everyone involved. Everything is much more colourful, meaningful and those friggin emotions smack u upside the head when u least expect it – what’s different tho is I have coping mechanisms now! My meetings, doing service, my amazing aa friends, my sponsor and of course my higher power πŸ™Œ Instead of thriving on the obtaining and guzzling alcohol I thrive on contentment – it is so overlooked but it’s the balls, I swear!

I’ve learnt people, places and things are my triggers and they are everywhere. But I’ve a toolkit in my arsenal and I don’t have to reach for the bottle. I’m going onto step 10 soon and I’m planning my amends – I’m not actually dreading it either 😊

My big thing is the fertility issue and we have just had another failed round. This one was even tougher emotionally and I was and still am drained from it. I tried to share about it at a meeting the other night and just broke down. So I have to work on that. But at least I’m aware.

I’ve been recently thinking about my early drinking days when I was just a teen. It started with the Friday night ice bowl bus from my town. It was supposed to be a way to stop the teens getting bored at the weekend but it was a drinkfest. We would hop on the bus at 7pm, some already had their carry outs and if not then we would get off a mile away from the ice bowl at a shopping centre and the oldest looking ones would go into the offies with the drinks order – mostly cider, mad dog 20/20 and Concorde πŸ™ˆ between the offies and the ice bowl are two rough estates and every week us cultchies (country folk) would run the gauntlet trying to get past the townies (belfast hoods) who stood looking for targets are the bottom of the flats. Some weeks the fellas got through untouched and other weeks there was a lot of slabbering or worse a dig or two. But it was all part of the craic and the girls never got touched. Once we got to the ice bowl we sat up the back behind the billboards and drank our stash singing and coping off with whoever we liked that week. I was in a love triangle with Andy and Melissa! She was always chasing him but he liked me more. However if I didn’t go one week he would get pissed and snog her. It was all very casual and teen angst fun. Mostly it was me that got going every week and Andy and I only ever got with each other when we were tipsy. I don’t think we even spoke in school during the week ffs!! Andy was painfully shy and always needed drink in him before he talked to me or Melissa – aa anyone lol πŸ˜‚ jokes! Funny looking back on all my relationships from teen to adult I’ve always been with someone who had a third wheel, someone lurking around πŸ™ˆ (another thing from getting sober – u find out a lot about yourself) I don’t know if it’s because my dad was absent due to his drinking and I had self esteem issues with men or what but it’s not a coincidence!

Anyhoo, this one time we were on our merry way from the offies to the ice bowl (where feck all ice skating took place by the way) and about to try and get past the hoods when we saw it was a load of girls standing this time. Happy days!! We shall pass πŸ™ the girls were around our ages 14 or so and were obviously drinking too. When we were happily walking past they started to shout at us girls, look at the state of these cultchies, tramps, slags…. we were petrified! See, us country girls weren’t the fighting type but these girls were and they loved it. We bowed our heads and walked fast praying we would get out alive (very dramatic). Thinking the boys would defend us we looked at them only to find they were cowering behind us with their heads down too ffs!! Belfast girls would scare the shite out of anyone I swear!!

We made it to the billboards and happily now safe got tucked into our cider and Concorde. Andy was floating about waiting on some Dutch courage so he could couple up with me and as always with a good few cheap ciders in me I found him the most gorgeous boy alive. As all the other couples got together we lay on the grass drinking and snogging and chatting to other couples in the warm summers night. Think Dawson’s creek but with no scenery and cider lol πŸ˜‚ Andy was blonde, tanned and a couple of years older than me (he’s now baldy as a coot by the way – I loved that hair!) as he was laying beside me chatting, out of the corner of my eye I spotted people coming over. It was the scary girls from earlier!!! We froze and everyone just sat there like plonkers looking at them. They were well on and started pushing some the girls standing, questioning who was with who, asking the boys what they were doing with ugly girls like us. And there we sat saying nothing. One girl came over to me and Andy, she stood over him, straddled him and sat on top, then lowered herself down and snogged him! The dick snogged back while I sat looking on and saying nothing!!! When they got bored the girls went into the ice bowl and everyone looked awkwardly at each other. Andy laughed it off and so did I. After all, he wasn’t mine and we weren’t serious!! We spent the rest of the night hiding from those girls until our bus came as they had said if they seen us on their turf they’d batter us. Unfortunately I can’t say that I never dated Andy again cause that went on for another year or more.

Looking back I think I just didn’t know what to do. I never questioned anything or seemed to have boundaries or respect for myself. With drink that is. I accepted my situation and the people’s behaviour and managed my way around it as best I could. I told myself I was a modern 90’s girl and could lift and drop guys as I wanted. Funny thing, I never did that when I was sober! But then again, I never dated when I was sober until my first proper relationship.

Anyways, just more ramblings from me!!!

Night night,

Sibi xx

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