Resentment and Self Pity

Hey folks, hope you all are well and looking forward to Christmas!  I was hoping that this Christmas I would have a little life growing inside my belly and we would be planning for the arrival in July but it was not to be 😦  We got the news nearly two weeks ago and it was gutting.  The two week wait after having the eggs transferred was a rollercoaster of emotions, feeling pregnant and a constant ‘are we, aren’t we’ – complete torture!  And I really did think I was pregnant – I had mild cramps and twinges but thought it was implantation, dizzyness and nausea on and off and of course some bloating.  Our consultant told us this was the cruel side of IVF – all the feelings of pregnancy without the positive.  I had tried so hard not to think ahead and plan for a baby but of course I did.  My mother in law and I had spoke of prams and looked at nursery’s in Ikea, had a laugh at me possibly having twins or triplets and my mum had started looking at names – Juliet for a girl (no from me lol!).

All had seemed to be going well as I hadn’t gotten signs that it hadn’t worked then on the Tuesday my friend and I had went to do a Cemetery Tour for Halloween and on the way home in a packed bus I had started to feel ill.  I had to get off the bus and look for a loo as my stomach was not great at all.  For some reason I didn’t relate this to my period – again convinced I was pregnant.  The following day, the day before the blood test at the clinic I told my husband that we wouldn’t hear the result until later in the afternoon so he suggested doing a test there and then.  I realised I had started to cramp and prayed it was the pregnancy and not my period but deep down I knew it was.  As we waited on test I was so emotional then there it was – a negative.  I felt so flat, disappointed, angry and frustrated.  We started looking online for stories of those that got their big fat negatives and then went on to get a big fat positive (IVF speak) in their bloods.  It happens…. it could happen to us, afterall it was afternoon pee so the hormone could be weak…. we decided to do a test at 6am to make sure and know before I went for bloods.  Again a negative – feck sake!!!!!!  All that hope, effort, sickness, head melting fucking process grrrrrr!!!  And such sadness and grief.  In the clinic the nurses looked at me and asked had I test.  I nodded.  Was it a negative?  Yes I said.  We are so sorry.  I said nothing.  As they were taking my blood I felt the tears well up – hold it back.  The ball in my throat got bigger and bigger.  The tears started to silently roll down my face.  Why not me?  Well, why not all the others??  I’m so normal and predictable that I would have to be in the majority party of fails!!  Yeah, self pity ffs!!!  No chance I could be that 20% that get positive uh uh – not me!  That’s my alcoholic mind speaking and to be honest I did think of drinking….. but I didn’t.  Now if I had been handed it there and then I don’t think I could have said no, but I didn’t stop off to get some and that’s huge progress 🙂  Thank god!

So I upped my meetings and talked to my husband and friends about it.  I’m the type of person that has a delayed reaction to things, or at least I have a reaction but it’s not the big one, the big one comes later – sometimes much later!  The news that I would have problems conceiving didn’t hit me until a year later!!!!  Crazy bloody head.  I swear the brain is definitely an unknown frontier that needs explored more.

I also did my first Chair in AA last Friday – I shared my story of how I ended up in AA rooms and how my life has changed.  It’s only been 3 months but again that’s huge for me as I haven’t been off booze for that long since I was a teen.  The desire to drink really seems to have left me but I know how fragile that is and I really don’t want to put myself in the way of any temptation so I will be holding onto my sobriety like it’s my life source – which it probably is!

Yesterday we went to our review meeting to hear what we could possibly do different and the plan of action for next time.  I went with all my questions written down.  I was convinced that the eggs didn’t implant due to the environment, which I could do something about.  I could take more vitamins, get a scratch, assisted hatching of the egg, embryo glue and other mad things I had come across.  I was willing to try anything.  So we were again gutted to find that everything had went really well and the fail wasn’t down to my uterus but the embryo’s themselves.  Again, my age was brought up and it’s just a fact that the quality of your eggs when you turn 40 are low – there is nothing you can do about this.  The scratch is a possibility but there is no evidence that it increases the chances of a positive.  The protocol of the treatment will remain the same for our next go and the consultant has said again our chances are around 20%.  We just have to roll with it and hope that it works – it’s a complete lottery and down to my eggs.  So, as you can imagine I have huge resentment towards my body and myself for putting this process off.  I chose drink over having children and I’m so angry at myself.  I know I didn’t have a choice as my addiction over rid any other hopes and dreams.  The need for alcohol was just so much more than anything else – everything and everyone came second to it and I’ve to deal with the fallout of that now.  Self pity just there lol!!

I will pray to god and ask for his help and guidance and then I will give IVF another go next year.  I will work the programme and do all I am told to do.  There is no way I want to give away anymore of my life to booze!!  And it’s waiting for me out there – ready to pull me under again.  God has a plan for me, whether it’s to have a baby or not and I will put my faith into his plan and accept it.

Now I’ve got that off my chest I promise my next post I’ll be back to my normal hilarious self (ego!!!!) well as they say – I thought it was funny lol 😉

Big love and cherry bye,

Sibi xx

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