Sleeping (not so much) Beauty

God I feel like shite!  And there I was feeling all smug and sober with no hangovers, yet the past week with the start of IVF has left me absolutely knackered.  I actually do feel hungover in the morning urgh!!  Though a positive is that I can remember the night before and I’m not in a fearful panic about what antics I’ve been up to or who I may have offended – and no checking my phone to find cringey texts or facebook posts – okay feeling much better about being sober now lol!!  I’m 10 weeks in to my wonderful AF life and I swear I keep wondering why I waited so long to do this – what was I scared of?  This is great!  And, I’m so blessed to be able to go through this IVF journey minus any guilt about drinking or even worse, obsessing about wanting to drink instead of doing the treatment – I am so grateful.

We picked up the injections yesterday and start tomorrow ahhhhh!!  The hubby is going to do the injections for me so he can feel a part of the process.  I don’t mind injections so in a freaky kind of way I’m excited and curious about how they will go (I might not be so chirpy come my next post lol!!).  The tablets seemed to be a breeze and then I hit a wall last weekend and was exhausted beyond belief and definitely had a bad case of PMT – poor hub!!  I found it really hard to get up and go in the mornings over the last number of days so god know’s how I will feel once I’m on the Gonal F for a week.  Here’s hoping they do what they are meant to and I get loads of top quality eggs at the end of it to retrieve 🙂  I’m told that due to the stimulation of my ovaries to grow as many eggs as possible they will swell and get very big – I basically will have two heavy pendulums swinging inside me by the end of the week!  When the nurse said about this I pictured swollen testicles swinging lol!  If I make any sudden movements they can swing so much they will get twisted which is apparently extremely sore and a medical emergency – will not be doing that, nope!  So me and my swinging pendulums will be taking it easy as feck next week no matter how much the hubby gives off to me about being lazy – cheek!!!!

Feeling this tiredness had me thinking about my drinking days again.  I was renowned for falling asleep when drunk and I’m pretty sure if there was a record for it, and the places I woke up in, then I’d be up there with the champions.  Because I guzzeled my drink my brain took a while to realise just how much alcohol was in my system or I got drunk from the feet up and fell everywhere first.  By the time it got to the brain it was lights out and passed out.  When I was going out with my first love we used to go out in his town alot.  The local was this really old pub that had a B&B attached, though it wasn’t run by the same people, and a function room downstairs and we had many many lock ins – my fav cause the party hadn’t ended.  This one night my boyfriend and I along with our group of friends were having a great night singing and dancing and acting the eejits when last orders came.  The owner told us to sit tight and he’d get everyone else out and we could stay on with a load of others.  So there’s about 20 of us locked in and moved downstairs to one of the cellar bars and we are drinking away and having good old singalong, when me, absolutely pie eyed decided I would give a rendition of a song myself.  My best pal C was also worse for wear and advised me on my song choice – of course I had no mission of taking her advice as I knew in my drunken state that the perfect song for that occasion (my audience was a mixed crowd of 20, 30, 40 and 50 year olds so I knew my choice would need to have a broad appeal and something everyone knew!) would be the classic 80’s Bangles song ‘Eternal Flame’, also covered by Atomic Kitten in 00’s, perfect!!  I informed my chum of my plan and she recoiled in horror – but, it’s so high, you can’t do it!  I cleared my throat, took a big breath and began – deep voice…. ‘Close your eye’s, give me your hand, darlin, (my mate C joined me, RAGE ‘NO C, let me do it, it’s my song’….. C put her hand over her eyes – I started again).  ‘Close your eye’s, give me your hand, darlin, can you feel my heart beating – deep voice – do you understand, – high voice – do you feel the same……. – high voice – or am I only dreaming – higher – OR IS THIS BURNING AND ETERNAL FLAMMMMMMMEEEE!!!  I sang the WHOLE song, even stopping to sush people who had started talking, convinced I was owning it!  People would talk about this night – the night they finally heard Sibi sing – and who knew she was hiding such an amazing voice, ERMEHGHERD!!!!!  As I finished with my big finale the group quickly decided that the singalong was finished and we would all just get back to drinking, chatting and listening to music instead.  C later told me that the reason she had started singing with me was so that I wasn’t on my own murdering a perfectly classic song and we were in it together – nope I still insisted on making an arse of myself spectacularly lol!!  After many more shots, pints and god knows what else I went to the loo in the function room.  As with many nights out like that my then boyfriend often ended up at separate parties or went home before me when he had had enough.  C also took the chance of a lift home when she got it and would have thought I’d went home with my boyfriend when she didn’t see me about.  After what I thought was a powernap in the loo, I woke on the floor with my head blocking the door so no-one could get in.  I walked out and all the lights were off but sunlight was coming in the windows.  I couldn’t get upstairs to the main bar and found another door open so followed the light only to realise I was in the B&B.  Still very drunk and bouncing of the walls I tried to find a way out and managed to walk into a kitchen to a very shocked B&B owner Kitty in her pj’s and dressing gown, I scared the life out of her!!  Luckily when I explained where I’d come from and that I’d fallen asleep she saw the funny side and led me out the front door to find my way home to the boyfriends house.  I got a right slagging by all in the bar the next evening I went in, but being young and up for the craic, I just put it down to another drunken escapade.  The singing of the classic bangles tune came back to haunt me often and my friend C still tells anyone that will listen about it – again thank god there were no smart phones then!!!!!

In my late 20’s I went through a solid phase of falling asleep in pubs, clubs, toilets, houses and even outside on the street!  One night out I had to be carried out of a club by a bouncer as I had again fallen asleep in the toilets.  When he set me down outside and my boyfriend and friends came out to join me, I insisted to my friends boyfriend to ‘put the window up, it’s cold’ convinced I was in his mini cooper going home when I was actually sitting on a wall outside the club waiting on a taxi.  Another time I was in a club with all the girls and kept falling asleep but waking up every 10 or 20 minutes and convincing my friends I didn’t need to go home.  As they took turns propping me up (such a classy look in the club urgh!) the bouncers took notice of me and approached my friends saying ‘she has to go’.  At this time there had been alot of documentaries on TV about Narcolepsy…..  yep, one of my friends started to tell the sad tale of my debilitating illness and how they struggled to take me out because of it.  And the thing was, in between  my powernaps I actually would have been very lucid and up dancing and chatting away and then the next thing, out for the count – so I was pretty convincing!!  The bouncer took pity and let me stay for the duration.  Of course, as time went on, friends got fed up with this and the burden I was when going out.  I found out later that they sometimes had nights out without me because of it.  I can’t blame them really – and sure it would be over 10 years before I would find my way to AA.  I can laugh, cringe and smile at these memories and I’m also fearful for that young version of me.  I had been taken advantage of on a few occasions due to being in a state like that, and those are just the ones I remember!

Anyhoo, from I started this post it’s now Saturday night and I did my injection yay!!  Hubby was very gentle and it was absolutely fine 🙂  I went to a countryside AA today and we were meant to have a day with the dogs afterwards but the OH was in really shitty form, said some really awful things to me about AA, lying, being selfish and not doing enough around the house since I’m off work.  I felt really low and anxious from I got home due to his outburst but I know he was tired from a week of earlies and he thinks I go to too many meetings.  I don’t know how to explain to him how important AA is for me and the bigger picture of making family life better.  Don’t get me wrong, I said plenty back and I know it’s a control thing on his part.  He wants to be looked after, cooked for, cleaned for and basically there for him.  We’ve had this battle for 8 years and he used to joke with me that he wanted a mother figure back in the day – I am far from that!  If anything I always strived for equality in the home as coming from a countryside family the men were always waited on hand and foot, even when the women worked full time.  I hated that!  I feel he’s full of resentment, that I’m home when he’s not, that I have a life outside the house and I suppose it’s alot of change for him, but if a baby comes along it’ll be even more change and that wee baby will come first no matter what.  I am working on my defects of character though and I hope he will work on his so we can sustain a loving home environment for a little one in the future.

Okaaaaayyyy!  I didn’t meant to go into that but must have needed to vent lol!!!  Sorry folks – don’t worry, all is good with the hub – he says sorry in his own way and tries to make up for it.  We all have off days… but we all have to be careful in what comes out of our gubs somtimes!  I’ll pick my moment to talk to him about it – I can play the long game lol 😉

Night night out there,

Love, Sibi xxx

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