Hello everyone, hope all is well with you guys 🙂 Well, it’s been over 7 months of sobriety for me now – imagine that? Frigging 7 months with no alcohol, not a drop – still have to pinch myself. I really thought it was impossible not to drink, want to drink or live without drinking. That’s how ingrained it was with me – it’s crazy! But I’m very happy and I genuinely don’t want to go back to even the good times I had on drink.
So, what’s been happening here. Well, I’m now doing Secretary in my home AA which is basically giving something back by doing service. I take the meeting 1 night a week, arrange for a speaker, open and close the room and once a month I arrange 2 speakers for the open meeting. The open meeting is when friends and family can come and listen to speakers to find out more about what their loved ones are suffering from. It helps people to understand that being an alcoholic is not a life choice but a mental illness caused by addiction. My mother in law came to the meeting last month which was so lovely. She’s been an amazing support and I’m forever grateful for that. Hopefully my husband will come along to the next one so he can get an understanding of how AA has saved my life. I really have to reign myself in at times talking about this because I get the impression my family think I’m being over the top. But I know that I wouldn’t have stopped drinking with will power alone and I would have been so miserable. I was on self destruct as it was and convinced myself I’d be happy enough if I died drinking – how insane is that! As long as I had my beloved drink, so what if I died? Can’t even believe I’m typing that out!
Anyhoo, I’ve now finished Step 4 on my recovery which means I’m in the middle of doing my inventories. I’ve to write out all my resentments, my fears and my sexual conduct – basically my drunkalogues lol!!!! Since I’ve been drinking for over 20 years most of my experiences in life have been through drink and these have made me who I am today. The good and the bad. The fact is that in many of my war stories when drinking, I’ve found a way to cover the guilt, shame and remorse I’ve felt in certain situations by citing that it was someone else’s fault, I was treated badly, they deserved it, sure everyone was doing it etc. etc. It was a coping mechanism and any other bad feelings were swiftly put in that little box in my head and locked away. Of course until they all came tumbling out 8 months ago and my head exploded!!! So it’s now time to look at all these drunkalogues fearlessly and take responsibility for them in order to grow personally. Scary biscuits or what?!?!?!
Now, I’ve shared quite a bit on here, which is all good as not many know who I am but I have one thing I will not share with anyone and I’m tortured thinking about it. My chair last week gave me some advice. He said, see that secret that you said you’d take to the grave? Share it! Share it or you’ll end up drinking over it again or the very least your head will go again. So I’ve decided to share it with my sponsor as I completely trust her (I think lol!) – I’m so desperate not to drink again and to have the head peace I know AA gives me that I have to tell this secret. And hopefully when I do, that’ll be it done with.
Of course, there are lots of things that I am ashamed of – especially with the sex conduct. You see, I was actually a bit of a prude when I was in school. I was also petrified of the idea of sex or anything sexual. That’s why when drink came along and it gave me the courage I needed I thought well now I could do it. How sad is that? And I did, but not in the way I had imagined – with the guy I was going out with. Although I had boyfriends through high school, I only ever kissed them. There was no groping or fiddling of any kind and I was always so relieved that boys didn’t push me. I think they really respected me and I wanted to hold on that. And for some reason I had a proper catholic type guilt about anything sexual – like it was dirty – I can’t understand why! So I had started the teenage drinking and had a ball with it but was always safe in my own crowd with lads that wouldn’t take advantage. Then one night after the local nightclub finished I bumped into my older cousin who was heading to a party. Being the big girl when she asked if I wanted to go I jumped at the chance saying goodbye to my mates that had to go home. Travelling in the car between towns to pick up carry outs and other revellers there was cups of vodka on the go – straight vodka – or at least a very weak mixer! When offered it, I knocked it back and acted like I did things like that all the time. My cousins friends would think I was so cool!! By the time we arrived at the party in another town I had had another 3 or 4 cupfulls of vodka – blurgh!!! I vaguely remember walking into the house party, tunes blasting, people in all the rooms laughing and dancing. I went into the kitchen and sat on a countertop chatting away to my cousin and some fellas. They had joints and were passing them about. Again, I thought I was being the big girl and smoked it. With all the drink in the club then the vodka and now the joint I was banjaxxed! I remember saying I was so tired and needed to go for a nap. My cousin told me to go upstairs, there should be a spare bed somewhere. As I slowly tried to climb the stairs by head was spinning – I just needed to lie down. The first door I came too had some of my cousins friends lying around on mattresses and chatting to more guys. I closed the door and went to the next room. It was empty. I didn’t even turn on the light, I just went and sat on the bed and lay back, by legs off the end of the bed and into a blackout……..
A weight on me, pushing against me – who is on top of me? Somethings not right. A sliver of light is coming from a small window above the bedroom door. I try to focus. It’s a guy, what’s he doing? I feel my jeans getting unbuttoned and pulled down. I can’t move, I mumble ‘no’, I’m not even sure if I said it outward or inward. I can’t move, why can’t I move. I had sat in chewing gum in the club earlier that evening in my new jeans. I’d only managed to get some of it off. I kept thinking my new jeans were ruined – I wonder if mum can get it off for me? I remember the guy now, he had been at the club and had tried it on with me but I wasn’t interested. I hadn’t even seen him at the party when I arrived. God I’m loosing my virginity to someone I don’t even know – maybe this is the way most girls lose it. No big deal sure. At least I’ll have it over and done with and then I’ll be fine doing it again – not as scared. Just then I hear guys laughing and cheering – the boy on top of me had locked the door but his friends are all peeking in through the little window above the door and cheering. God, I’m mortified. They go away and he finishes, I think. He gets up and I manage to ask his name. Then I ask, did you use protection. I don’t remember him answering. I can’t remember him saying anything but he must have.
What did I do next? I lay in shock for some time in the dark. The light started to come through the curtains so I got up and went to the bottom of the stairs to the phone. I rang my mum and cried for her to come get me. I was 13 coming 14.
I still carry huge shame about this. Even though I was a kid and was taken advantage of. I think alot of my drinking stemmed from this experience so it’ll be so good to finally let this go 27 years on from it. So where do my resentments lie on this one? Not so much with the guy as I really don’t think he thought he was raping me. I resented my cousin for not looking after me – even though I was the one who was drinking the bit out. I resented loosing my virginity like that – when my friends were all excitedly telling about their first times, I had to make mine up. Or at least that’s what I told myself as I was so ashamed of what had actually happened! I made up a holiday romance so my friends were in awe and I was so cool!
I didn’t let a guy touch me for another 3/4 years I was so petrified. I always hoped I’d meet the perfect guy and it would be like properly loosing my virginity. That wasn’t to be but that’s for another time – maybe my next post.
Hope I didn’t annoy anyone too much with my story and apologies if I did. It’s a good thing I can talk about it now without the need to be drunk when doing so. That’s the only way I opened up about it to friends in the past.
Night folks and thanks for reading.