Hey there, hope everyone survived January and is looking forward to Spring – I can’t wait 🙂 I was never that fussed on Summer because of the light nights stretching to late and the heat of our house. Don’t get me wrong, I loved the sunny days in the beer garden or at a BBQ – because I got to drink openly! But, when my drinking became more of an indoors activity and secretive it meant I couldn’t open a bottle of wine until 11pm or even midnight some days! I would be white knuckling all day in work knowing I wouldn’t get to sip on the red syrup until way later on 😦 They were the longest days ever!
My routine for the last few summers had been to grab my bottles of wine as usual on the way home and hide them when I got into the house. Then after dinner, walk the dogs and then go do some work in the garden, watching the clock constantly. If I was brave I would find some excuse to talk my husband into having a drink outside in the garden, just cause it was sunny (and everyone else was doing it!) – it was a lottery on how he would react. Often I would be left sitting on my own, as he was just fed up with drink always being around and then had to spend my time trying to make up to him. Of course, I would be raging saying he was trying to control me and what I was doing. To be honest, my husband rarely seen the worse of my drinking back then. He just couldn’t grasp what the enjoyment of it was and all along I was just wishing he would change and join me.
I have lots of friends who are in relationships where they drink heavily through the week and weekend and that was something I wanted with my husband. I really thought those couples had everything. Of course, I heard through other friends that they had their problems as well, but all I could see was the happy/funny facebook pics and video’s and it looked great! The problem with me and my hubby was that he was always more sober than me and therefore had to pick up the pieces if I had gotten into a state. Not so much at home, but if we were out or trying to go out. One time when we were dating he arrived down to mine about 7pm, he had been working that day and I had spent the day cleaning and getting a nice dinner in. I’d finished up getting ready at about 4pm so thought sure I’ll have a wee drink while waiting on him. Of course, I was pissed by the time he arrived. After dinner he insisted on us going to a local pub for a few – I must have been doing a good job to hide my state until I had to get high heels on and leave the house. The air hit me on the way round to the bar and that was me – bambi legs was back! I fell 3 times on the short walk! I was also wearing a haphazard halterneck top which meant the girls did an appearance when I fell one of the times 😦 That poor fella had to lift me up, tuck me in and then do a u-turn back to the house. I had not embarrassment due to being drunk and even when I sobered up the next day, I laughed about it. I had taught myself to poke fun at me before anyone else did. There was a whole front put on ‘girl power’, ‘I can flash my tits if I wanna’, ‘falling is hilarious’ – a real who cares mentality, when deep down, I did care. It was silly in my 20’s but this was now my early 30’s – jesus wept!!!!!
Anyhoo, back to the summer secretive drinking. By the time I got my night over and it was bedtime I would make an excuse to sleep in the spare room. Either cause the husband was up early or it was too warm and he didn’t like the fan buzzing. I would put on light pj’s, get my tablet ready with my fav programmes and close the door. Sometimes the dogs would be up with me, so there was me, in the hottest room in the house – can’t open windows cause the dogs bark at the slightest noise in the house – the fan was too loud and I couldn’t risk putting it on until my husband was asleep and so I could hear if he moved to come in – and a couple of bottles of warm red wine awaiting. Using a towel to smother the sound of the clicks as the top opened, I would smell the alcohol as it opened. And, relax…… finally, the day had some meaning. Now, red wine makes me flush, nevermind it was 11.30pm and still in the 20’s outside – god knows what it was in that room. By the time I was half way down the bottle, I was naked, trying to move the dogs warm fur away from me and sweating like cheese, Uh!!!! Oh, but I persevered – all to get that hit and the peace and quiet in my head I so desperately sought. I was very rarely ever blocked during the week. I had definitely built up a resilience to the wine. Now, came the dangerous part!! Funny to think I had been relaxing and at ease when I was drinking those bottles as I would be hyper vigilant to every noise that was going on – sometimes the husband would get up to the toilet and I’d freak and quickly hid the bottle down the side of the bed. He very rarely came in. One time he did and I hid the bottle – stupidly! Of course could smell the pungent aroma of wine – he was a div!! Lesson learnt, I stocked up on a strong perfumed spray for those occasions. One time when he got up I was in such a rush to hide the FULL bottle, it got knocked over. I didn’t even realise until he went to bed again. I was so cross and felt extremely sorry for myself! Not only did I have less than half a bottle left but I now had the task of cleaning it up. Lucky enough, that room has a thick brown pile and heavy duty underlay. I managed to get an old top and soaked it up. The room absolutely stank of wine! I had to wait until he slept then get all sorts of potions and smellies to hide it. I was so cross about missing out on that spilt drink that I stayed up to the small hours and raided the drinks cupboard for brandy and gin – boke!!!! I did not feel well the next day!! But he never knew. I know for certain when we change that carpet there will be a massive red stain underneath – hopefully we can both laugh about it when that time comes 😦
Once the bottles were finished I would have to put the dogs to bed and go to the loo. I was usually happy and ready for sleep. So like a sneaky burglar I would stealthily open my door, listen, carry the dogs down the stairs (fell a couple of times doing that!) and grab some water. Head back up, go to the toilet – taking in the cool air that would be there with the window open and head back into my sweat box, open windows in the room and lie on top of the bed for sleep to come. It would be 2am and there I would be wide awake! Boiling with the wine heating my body on top of the warm night. I’d be lucky to have a few hours sleep to head into work the following day absolutely wrecked! And that would be my summer routine, night after night.
So you can imagine I’m looking forward to a not so torturous summer this year lol!!! Today, I’m 200 days sober 🙂 I’m doing the AA Steps and working on Step 3 tomorrow. My new job is going great and I don’t have to lie. It’s a revelation! I started doing secretary on Sunday evening at my home group – loving it – and I feel pretty good about myself. Okay, I’d like to loose weight, not have a double chin and have a more exciting life sometimes, but it’s so great keeping it simple…. and it’s working. I’m sober… and not obsessing about drink. Other things, the excitement or whatever else I’m looking for, will come in it’s own time. I’m just working on me and my mad head for the time being 🙂
So roll on Summer, I’m ready for ya!
Catch ya later,