Welcome back to my blog about stopping drinking and starting IVF. It seems obvious that any woman going on the journey of IVF would stop drinking but for me it was a little bit harder than I had imagined. I really didn’t see that I was choosing drink over my future and happiness completely and it was taking over every aspect of my life. I felt it was my god given right to enjoy myself and have a drink when and as I pleased. I remember thinking if everyone would just leave me alone so I could drink, everything would be okay. I imagined booking into hotels for a couple of nights just to have alone time with my drink and even looked at properties imagining renting a place of my own to hide away and drink, minus my husband or family. Isn’t that awful!!! It was like I was having a sordid affair with alcohol!!! My mind must have been sick to think that way and alcohol was the instigator though I’m starting to realise it was also a symptom of my not dealing with past trauma’s and emotions.
I started Norethisterone 5mg last Tuesday and finish tomorrow – this is to prepare my uterus to start the Gonal F injections after my Prostap injection the clinic give me next Thursday – if I’ve had a bleed (fingers crossed). I think the aim is to get the lining as thin as possible to prepare it for the egg implanting. I’ve not really had any side effects from the Norethisterone tablets apart from tiredness and anxiety I think…. it’s hard to tell as I normally get that anyway lol!! Long may this last 🙂 I’ve been reading loads of other blogs about IVF and it really is anyone’s game how it goes. With chances of pregnancy can be between 25% and 35% and there are many going through this treatment time and time again still not being successful and my heart aches for them. The way my mind works I would near rather they were successful rather than me as I feel they would be more deserving – there goes my low self esteem again! But I also know that’s part of my illness – people pleasing – even to my own detriment. I’m a huge empath and always just thought I cared about people because of that – I didn’t realise it was also due to not caring about myself. I’ve alot to learn about self care! If I end up getting our wee miracle out of this I will work so hard to make sure I am well so I can teach a son or daughter how to truly be themselves and own their emotions.
I have been to AA meetings every night this week and I just love the people I’m meeting. I had isolated myself for so long that I forgot what it was like to have true, caring friends that are honest and supportive. I have had some amazing open conversations that are truly cathartic and as we say in AA – we just wish there was something similar for those outside struggling with other emotional difficulties because we all wear masks even with our nearest and dearest when all we need to do is talk openly with those we trust or in some cases, strangers! When I see the old timers in AA and they talk about what their lives are like now, full of contentment and serenity, as promised by AA if you work it, then I say, I want that!! I found myself thinking last night that I wished I had of found it earlier so I hadn’t wasted so many years with drinking. But they say your time comes when it’s time and no sooner. And some go in and out of AA until they get it so everyone’s journey is different. I want this so bad and I’m willing to work for it and do whatever is required because I’m not going back and this is a new chapter – one I’ve been desperate but scared of for so long now. And I know I definitely wouldn’t have been ready in my 20’s as I loved the party lifestyle, and even making the stupid choices I made, as I had to learn. And I had some amazing adventures!
One of my big party friends in my 20’s was Cath, I had met her through my boyfriend at the time and we hit it off instantly. We used to do pre drinks in her house before we headed out in the town or headed to Belfast and we almost always ended up blocked, at a party, rolling about screaming and singing and putting everyone’s heads away. We always ended up in precarious situations when we got together and we loved it! From going to London and deciding to stay an extra night cause we weren’t ready to leave yet and our sensible friends headed onto the airport shaking their heads. We hadn’t even booked off work the next day but sure – live for the moment we thought! Obviously the decision was made when we were already drunk after a day shopping/drinking and the hotel and flights were put on my credit card! We decided to wear our new outfits out that night and went to a local bar in Piccadilly out of our faces. I remember standing at the bar talking to folks we’d met and hearing Cath cackle then people gasping as she fell straight back onto the bar floor. When I looked around Cath had landed flat out without bending with her drink held high and not a drop spilt – that was normally my trick so I had taught her well! Cath was very stubborn so when guys tried to lift her she insisted she meant to do it and would be staying there. And that’s where she stayed. Until I kept dropping my drink on the floor to just be handed another one and doing the same thing again – that was throwing out time. You can imagine the state of us checking out the next morning and the dreaded trip home with a very unhappy boyfriend picking us up at the airport – shit ooops!! Then we went to Dublin for the weekend – yep we decided to stay another night – the party never ended with us. And it was my turn to do the falling with the glass still up in the air trick – we just thought we were so funny and loved nothing more than regaling our antics to other friends after our escapades. One night we walked home from a party when the sun was up and seen a big field of barley on a hill ‘lets rolley polley down the hill’!! A man who had been at the party had walked part of the way with us and was standing watching so we gave him our camera and asked him to take pics. Up the hill we ran, lay on our bellys, stretched out our arms and held hands and then we rolled down the hill. The man, who hadn’t been that interested in taking pics to start with, had started clicking away as we were half way down the hill, running beside us, like he was a photographer for cosmo!! Up and down the hill we went until we could laugh no more and decided to call it a day. We said cheerio to the man and I mentioned to Cath about his eagerness at taking the pics half way through. She shrugged and I forgot about it. Now, in those days we had to develop the film from our camera’s and wait for a week or so on the pics coming back (oh, I loved that soooo much!) Cath called me in stitches, hardly able to breath or talk and I was like ‘what’s going on’, ‘what are you laughing at’ – all I heard was I got the photo’s back, come and see them. I flew round thinking there must be some horrendous shots of my double chin from the party or me falling asleep – the usual! Or worse – I probably flashed the diddys!!! (Thank god there was no social media back then!) Cath, greeted me with, remember the barley field – yes – what were you wearing? Oh my figure hugging beige trousers and a wee vest top – why? She said – remember the man? Then she showed me the pics – well…….. there were lovely shots of us going up to the top of the field and starting to roll and then, mid way down, I started to notice…. my trousers were going darker – oh yes, the morning dew on the barley mmmmh??? The photo’s got closer and closer to us rolling over and then there it was – my big arse through my now see through trousers!!!!! No wonder the man stuck around pretending he was a pro! This was the days of thongs but with skin tight trousers I had decided to go commando so nothing was left to the imagination as he got his close ups!!!! Scundered! And what I failed to mention was he was Cath’s best mates uncle.
As if London and Dublin wasn’t enough we then decided to go to Lloret de Mar together – what a fecking nightmare! There were two hospital runs, one overnight stay, a sling on the arm and a drip as well as an internal examination of the back end and that was just with me!! The arm incident had been from a day of drinking and thinking we hadn’t had enough went out that night again – I was absolutely blocked and like bambi trying to get around. In a nightclub, we had got seats at one end of the dance floor. I noticed the loos were at the other end and started to plan how I would get to the loos in my current state. the room was circular so I thought I’ll walk around the walls and use the wall as my guide – yes, perfect! I said I was going to the loo and hugged the wall beside me, gracefully guiding my way to the loo – ah ha!! I’ve got this, I thought smuggly while trying to remember how to put one foot in front of the other and cocked one eye open to stop the double vision. So there my glam self was sauntering around the outskirts of the room using the wall as a guide with one hand and leaning it (obviously covering up the fact that I was blind drunk). Now, the walls had been painted in all this crazy artwork and I didn’t notice that the fire exits were also covered by the art and just looked like the walls….. as I pushed myself off the walls and forward my hand went back to the wall with my full weight behind it and the next thing the wall was moving, it was opening and due to me pushing the wall I had gathered momentum. Out of my blurry eye’s I was in the bright light again and there were 8 or so concrete steps down out a fire exit. With nothing to grab onto I side ran down the the stairs finally reaching out like superman and landing at the bottom of the steps in a very unlady like pose! Due to the fire exits being alarmed the whole club rang out and bouncers, clubbers and Cath & co came running to the top of the stairs to see me lying on my belly at the bottom with my skirt up over my head and my thong and arse in full view!!!! Yep, thrown out again and a fractured arm into the bargain 😦 Cath said she was never going on holidays with me ever again…. and she hasn’t lol!! But we are still firm friends 🙂
If I have a child I will have to delete this blog lol!!! I leave you guessing about the rectal examination and how my 30’s went 😉