Good evening bloggersphere! Soooooo, I didn’t get to AA tonight (did I mention I made it to AA – thank god?!) because the day just ran away from me. I’ve had alot on my mind this week as we went to see about IVF on Monday ahhhhhh!!! I had mentioned babies remember? So what’s the story? Well, back in my party girl late teens and twenties my worse nightmare was even imagining I could possibly get pregnant – nah ah!!! Not for me, I wasn’t the maternal type, worse nightmare to have a kid interrupt the partying that had to be done – plus, I was young and there was loads, LOADS, of time! Yep, I said that – those aunties and old people that were always saying ‘Oh I remember when I was young and care free’ or ‘I remember thinking I was going to be young forever…. and now I’m 30’!!!! Jesus!!! Who thinks 30 (or 40… or 50 for that matter) is old? But I get that they were saying, in no time it would be years down the line and you would wonder how you got there – they were right!
I had started to think in my mid 20’s that it was weird that I hadn’t had any pregnancy scares – apart from those I just took the morning after pill for just incase. I was in steady relationships and obviously was often pissed and forgot my pill or ended up throwing up for hours on end so it couldn’t possibly have worked. But yet, no scares?? Then I got into my single late 20’s and hit the 3 0 and thought – the next guy I settle down with I should really look into that. I married at 35, nearly 36 and I decided to make excuses (because really I wanted to keep on drinking for just a little longer – and I did think it should happen on it’s own accord). When we bought our house we moved to a new Doctors and he was on the ball and bluntly told me I wasn’t getting any younger and with my history it would be best to start looking into fertility – at least if I was on the (huge) waiting list with the NHS then rather than trying for a couple of years and nothing happening and then going onto the list. Good choice as it happens because from start to finish finding out we needed help took nearly 3 years and by the time we found out my tubes were damaged I was too fricking old to be put on the next list to await IVF grrrrrrr!!! Seriously though, we were gutted – just to not even have the chance of the free go given here on the NHS.
That’s when my drinking started to really ramp up. I had found a way to secretly drink red wine (slimming world talking about not drinking red wine (high in syns) so much gave me the light bulb moment) without the hubby getting any idea’s as it didn’t make as much noise as opening beer, I didn’t run to the toilet on it like I did on beer keeping him awake and only one empty – not twelve!!! But deep, deep down I was blaming myself for my fertility issue and my husband could easily have lots of babies with another woman and his healthy swimmers. It was my aul scarred, snarly tubes that wouldn’t allow his little fellows get to my eggs and fertilise them and something in my past was to blame 😦 So for the last year, blaming myself and feeling like IVF wouldn’t work anyway nevermind the cost involved etc. I put it off – put it in that little box in my head where all the bad emotions, problems, issues were put and locked away until that little box was absolutely bursting and about to explode!! We had also missed out on the one free go of IVF on the NHS due to the waiting lists being so long and I was six months away from turning 40. That was a right kick in the guts for sure and another sign for me that it just wasn’t meant to be – mother earth was saying what I had been saying for years – YOUR’E NOT MATERNAL – NOT FOR YOU!
So my break down I was going to have brewed for a year until one day in work I couldn’t take it anymore. I was drinking myself into oblivion, my husband and I were at breaking point, memories of the past were creeping in that I didn’t want to think about and the overwhelming anxiety and panic attacks were all consuming. My head was like cotton wool and I could hardly even get words out in meetings I was trying to lead. I literally thought I was going to die and worst of all – the wine at night I had so cleverly hid from my husband was no longer working – it was making my head worse. I thought I was going mad! Just before this fateful day I had managed a two week holiday travelling around the south of Ireland without drinking. It was a deal I’d made with the hubby and I really wanted to see if I could do it. What I hadn’t heard about was being a ‘dry drunk’ – AA explains some of us go periods of time sober but the whole time we are really just white knuckling that time until we get to drinking again. And right enough, I was literally white knuckling my way around Ireland counting the days down when I would be back home and buying the red wine again. Sure enough I got home from holidays, got all the bags in and sorted and made my excuse to head off to the shop to get something for the tea (with the secret addition of that wee bottle in my handbag!). And that was me every night until I started back to work and every night before I broke down.
I couldn’t breath, was crying constantly, couldn’t sleep (hadn’t for years!) my head was fuzz but also spinning with thoughts, I couldn’t speak to my husband or family and I was obsessing about work and alcohol – help, help help – I’m going mad, I thought! I arrived at the Dr’s crying, shaking and trying to explain my symptoms and why I felt like that. Of course, I didn’t mention the alcohol – why would I? I wasn’t going to risk being told to stop!!!! And when the lovely Dr (she really was, I recently said to a friend I wanted her to be my big sister lol!) said she would start me on anti depressants I didn’t even dare ask about drinking on them! I realised it was quite a high dosage but was willing to try anything to get that feeling out of my chest – absolute impending doom and constantly frightened witless – and she advised that it would take a while for it to kick in. Damn! I needed instant! Light bulb!!!! – the hubby was on a late and this was early morning…. I had a good 8 hours to drink and that would calm me – brilliant! I could sleep it off and be up, showered, tea on and he wouldn’t know a thing – yay!!! I feel extremely guilty now that I’m sober and reflecting on my behaviour on how I was so sleeked with my husband. But I really could only see that he was stopping me from doing what I wanted to do. I felt he was being controlling as I really didn’t see a problem with my drinking. It was him that made me hide it!!! If he wasn’t such a yap I wouldn’t have to!! Yeah, I know, I know – classic alchy excuses eh? I really couldn’t see that then at all.
I didn’t manage to sober up…. and kept on drinking. I knew I needed help as the anxiety, feelings, emotions all got worse and worse. I had been reading books related to alcohol on holidays – the joy of being sober was my favourite and I felt so akin to Catherine Gray the author (she’s also from NI! – Yes living up to that age old Irish rep lol!) She had mentioned about AA but didn’t elaborate on it as she didn’t want to sway opinion. I really had thought AA would be all tambourines, bible bashing holy joes and that was not for me! Although I had been brought up Christian and spent my youth in sunday school, church, mission halls and GB etc I left it all for the party scene and didn’t look back. Until I met my husband and his family were very involved in their church but he was all into the partying at the start as well so it didn’t bother me the odd trip on a sunday to keep the parentals happy – so I thought!! Oh if you could see me now! I often think this when I remember my clubbing and e days – experimental of course!! I’ll give you a laugh about all that laters 🙂
Yes, so I was digesting self help book and trying to identify with others as well as find out if there is life after alcohol! I realised I had probably been drinking for about 27 years all in all – how could I not have done damage to myself? Especially in the later years! I had so many questions and the obsession to drink was still there – how do I get this out of my head?? I had named the voice in my head Joffrey after that nasty, evil, twerp in GOT and had started to tell him off and belittle him when he tried to talk me into drinking – as advised by Catherine and another blogger Belle who calls her voice Wolfie. It does help I have to say! But I had loads more bottled up and I couldn’t express myself – it was excruciatingly painful. My husband had taken me away for the weekend to try and take my mind off drinking and it was working a bit but I knew I needed to do something else. I went to bed the Friday night praying for an answer. Beep Beep – A simple act of kindness came through on my phone first thing on the Saturday Morning from a friend – there’s an open evening at AA tomorrow night, would you like to come and support me? And I did, for her and for me.
I’ll sign off for now as this has taken me nearly 3 days to write – I was nervous sharing about the IVF. But you know what, I’m proud I’m doing it and I’m excited 🙂 My higher power is guiding me so I know this is my path.